Summer Conversation Starters
June 10, 2022
This piece was originally published on June 3, 2022 by Campus ESP, a platform with reach of over 200 colleges and universities.
I recently had a great conversation with my daughter when she came home from college for a visit. I tried this new craze among parents, often referred to as “listening.”
This can be hard as a parent. If you are anything like me, and I hope you are not, it is much easier to unburden yourself by passing your parental to-do list to your student: Register for classes, find a place to live next year, get a summer job, get good grades, get an internship, and most importantly, clean your room. You only get one shot sometimes as they head out the door.
As you prepare for your student to be home for the summer, even if it is just a little while, consider making your to-do list things that matter more to them. When I listened to my daughter, I found that this teenager was actually growing, slowly but surely, into a self-actualized adult. It was good for her, and better for me. The best way to do this is to ask a handful of meaningful questions. Doing this over a meal at a restaurant is a good idea. They can’t escape, and a meal has a cadence that you can use to your advantage! You will find that this will be less like an interview and more like a conversation as the more they say, the more you will want to follow-up on.
“What have you learned in your classes?”
There can be many variations of this. What was your favorite class? Who was your favorite instructor? What was the most impactful? I like knowing how they feel about what they learned. Their formal education is the commodity that you, and others, are paying for. And you can tell from the twinkle in their eye the things that get them excited and are leading to new passions.
“What are you learning from activities, and are they fun?”
Both of these things matter. My daughter has an internship, and she loves it. It isn’t just the tasks she loves. She loves that the people there have given her opportunities as she has gained their trust. What is more, she has learned that not all supervisors and co-workers are created equal. She now knows that people can manage with flexibility, compassion, and maturity – things that were new to her. Whether sports, music, drama, clubs, internships, or work, find out what your student is learning outside of the classroom and how they feel about it. This will give you a glimpse into those areas that will truly impact their experiences. And you may want to explore how they feel about their role, either as follower, team member, or leader. These will be life lessons. And if they are doing something JUST for their resume, challenge that. This usually is empty for the student and others with whom they are interacting.
“Who are the students you are closest to these days?”
The first friends are often not the last ones at college. Students often latch onto those they live near or with initially. As they spend more time on campus, they meet others from classes and activities. As they progress, they will find their people, the ones with whom they share passions, interests, and values. And you can learn a lot about how they are socially by asking about who they hang with, what they like about them, and what they do. And they will want to share and probably be surprised that this matters to you. And it should. This can be a terrific window into their hearts.
“How do you think people see you and what feedback have you gotten?”
This might make them a little vulnerable, but it can be incredibly meaningful. Of course, you need to reinforce that how they are and how they perceive themselves matters most. But you can learn a lot, and it helps them to reflect on themselves, if you ask about this. It can be reassuring for them to articulate that people like to be with them, appreciate their work, call on them in class, assign them more duties, and invite them places. It can also help them to see where maybe they can tweak some things to show they are engaged, get along well with others and can reach their social and relational potential.
“How are you different now than you were a year ago?”
Hopefully the answer will be “so different.” This is not to say that their core values will have changed. You kind of want them to be how you raised them, right? But in many cases, their values will have grown, and they will see the world with more nuance. This can be the beauty of college and is the somewhat invisible learning that matters as much as the formal and informal. It is surely fertile ground. Beyond their values, they will have evolved in terms of how they see others. They will know what kind of people are real and bring substance – or just plain fun – into their lives. They will learn what inspires them, what they like, and how they want to focus their careers or further education. And they will learn that they can make it on their own. Of course, they need you. But they are becoming independent, confident, and finding meaning in their lives.
Lastly, while it would be nice if everything was going well, if you learn that things aren’t all rosy, then you have struck gold as well. How can they get more out of their experiences? Are they in the right major? Can they find other ways to meet people? Can they get to the gym, volunteer, eat better, join a totally different club than they normally would, apply for RA, and take other safe risks? If you can’t help them navigate this, seeing a person on campus or a counselor may help them dig deeper.
So, this listening thing... It can help you be a better and more informed parent. It can help your student see you as someone they can talk to about most anything. And don’t worry, you can still tell them to pick up after themselves. There will be plenty of opportunities. Believe me.
About the author: David Tuttle spent over 30 years in higher education in Residential Life and Student Affairs and has sent four children to college. He is the proprietor of a student and parent assistance service, PROsper Collegiate, LLC. Contact him here: david@prospercollegiate.com.
Why PROsper Collegiate?
When students used to approach me for assistance with their honor code cases, I was happy to oblige. I had no connection to the honor code and respected the work of the Honor Council and faculty advisors. But as Dean of Students, it was my job to assist students. In these cases I could sometimes be helpful without undermining those connected to Honor Council. How? Well that has turned into the idea of PROsper Collegiate.
What was often apparent to me was that students were confused by policies and procedures. What is more, sometimes the responses they received reinforced that people in the know interpreted things differently. After retiring as Dean of Students at Trinity University in 2021, following 30 years there, I knew I was probably not done. Assisting students as they navigate student issues on campus - primarily in navigating conduct systems (all policies, academic policies, perhaps Title IX) - seemed like a great place to put my energy. My consulting firm PROsper Collegiate stands for Professional Student and Parent Educational Resources.
So, I begin. How does one connect with students who have been accused of violating policies? Not easily. But one way is to connect with parents. There are many platforms and websites (see Other Resources) that produce wonderful content for parents and families. It is often this group who suggests their students seek assistance (often legal). Through blogposts and articles on these sites, I’m sharing advice about some of the hot topics facing college students and their parents. While my experience allows me to assist in conduct areas, I am available for many kinds of consulting.
A former colleague looked at my webpage and said that I would have hated dealing with people like me when I was Dean. Though it was a good point, I disagree. My hope is that colleagues at various colleges and universities would welcome dealing with an industry insider. I understand student issues, intersectionality, student development, accountability, and the campus perspective. My hope is to effectively assist students without being adversarial.
Finally, some may find it ironic that as the “conduct guy” I am now assisting students. Well, those people don’t know me well. Certainly, I dealt with my share of difficult and contentious cases. Show me a dean of students without critics, and I will show you an ineffective dean. But I always approached conduct with student development, fairness, transparency, and authenticity as core principles. For example, I encouraged students found in violation for conduct offenses to apply to be RAs, serve on the conduct panel, or advise on the process. I worked extensively with Greek students to craft a reasonable student-centered party initiative, offering amnesty for looking out for others.
Some guiding principles and insights to the process:
- Student conduct processes need to be student-centered. Students should have the agency in determining how to approach their cases and should fully represent their best interests. Schools will insist!
- Students and parents need objective assessments of allegations, report details, and options for how to proceed.
- In most cases, students can have a person-of-support present in meetings, interviews and hearings. There are often specific restrictions on that person - ones that can require some understanding of the process.
- Sometimes students need assistance in exploring bigger issues: How do I defend myself? Do I defend myself? Are there any informal resolutions to explore? What will appear on my academic transcript? Is this the place for me anymore?
- Legal representation can be important - especially if a student says anything that can result in criminal and/or civil consequences, particularly in Title IX cases. And sometimes legal involvement can be counter-productive for a number of reasons.
- Students often face deadlines and can’t wait. I will be available and accessible to clients facing tight scheduling windows.
About the author: David Tuttle spent over 30 years in higher education in Residential Life and Student Affairs and has sent four children to college. He is the proprietor of a student and parent assistance service, PROsper Collegiate, LLC. Contact him here: david@prospercollegiate.com.